Making Friends Abroad (With Anxiety)

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The Wonderful Challenge of Making Friends Abroad With the Extra Stress of Anxiety

It's not a secret that I have anxiety, I have been quite vocal about it for the last few years. But even though I have the majority of it under control, moving to a new country where I knew absolutely no one really brought out the social anxiety in me. But luckily I moved to a country where it seems like everyone has at least a small dose of social anxiety. Yeah, sadly (or fortunately in my case) that stereotype about Finns being quiet, shy, and sometimes a little awkward is true. But that didn't stop me from making friends, one awkward situation at a time! With a lot of perseverance, a dash of courage, and a heavy dose of awkward, I was able to manage my fears and build some solid friendships in the last year. So I am here to say that it's doable!

Try One-on-One Situations

These were key to me making friends in a less-intimidating setting. Trying to make friends in a large group of people is impossible for me. But getting to know people at my own pace, one-on-one, is much more manageable. So if you know the language or know English speakers, try to grab a coffee or lunch together sometime. If not, try to place yourself near a social person who likes to have side conversations a lot. This allows you to slowly build a connection with someone without having to take the first step. I did this with my best friend. She seemed nice and friendly but also like someone that talks a lot. Within a few days we got lunch and conversation naturally flowed from there. I kept using this technique until I built a solid base of friends in Helsinki. It seems like the best choice since I am generally too shy to even propose coffee but am able to participate in conversations.

Small Doses Are Key

It's easy to get overwhelmed in any situation, but when you have anxiety, things get tricky. So remember that if you have social anxiety, it is ok to see people in small doses and then take time for yourself. I would start out by meeting someone for lunch or coffee then going on about my day. That way, nothing seemed to set me off too bad and I still had plenty of time to process the friendships that I was making. Eventually, I started spending more time with them as I got comfortable, but if it ever got to be too much, I would limit my time to give myself time to relax.

If You're Feeling Bold, Do It

My biggest problem with anxiety is that I am usually too scared to suggest a meeting or to do anything. I am worried about the rejection or that they would not want to do it. But when I had moments of quick, intense courage, I jumped on them. When I heard people talking about Mexican food, I jumped in asking if I could go. Little did I know that they would become my best friend. So if you have one of those rare moments, just do it. And what was more surprising, I was never rejected like my anxious mind told me I would be.

Nothing is Failure; Progress is Success

If you have a bad day, don't let that get you down. The most important thing to remember is that you tried. Do something that relaxes you or makes you happy. I used to get so frustrated with myself for not being as social as the people around me. But I changed my mindset and instead looked at any social opportunity as something good, whether it was boring, a success, or a failure. To me, it was me making progress, it was me stepping outside my comfort zone. So whether it was once a week or once a day, I was happy. Now, a year later, I able to meet different groups of friends every day and be more comfortable. I don't know if I will ever be 100% comfortable and anxiety free, but at least today I am happy to be socializing and I have no more regrets.

Don't Be Afraid to Share Your Story

Most people that know me now know that I have anxiety. I have been quite vocal, apologizing for being awkward or indecisive to my friends because I want them to know that I am trying my best in my own way. I shared my fears with two people close to me in Finland and both were always very understanding. And that was great! Because anytime that I wanted to go to a party, they would always check in on me, see if I wanted to come, and always promised to meet me before, introduce me to new people, and help me with my awkward small talk. Speaking about my anxiety was probably the most helpful thing I did for myself.

Do What Makes You Happy

Know yourself. Know what makes you happy. Know your limits. And do it! It's ok to see people once a week if that makes you happy. It's ok to see people multiple times a week if that makes you happy. Remember that anxiety falls on a spectrum, so stop measuring yourself to other people because we all have our own unique struggles. Instead focus on yourself, make improvements on what you want, and do the things that make you happy. This mindset has helped me tremendously overcome my social anxiety. And even though I am still painfully shy and awkward, I am no longer letting that stop me from living my life.